• How to spot a mum on a night out
  • Author avatar
    Amelia Slocombe
  • babiesfriendshipfunnylifemotherhoodrelationshipstruthwoman

How to spot a mum on a night out

Mums night outWhen I talk about a night out, I don't just mean a quick restaurant trip with friends or a couple of drinks down the pub.  On these types of outing (which are usually organised by someone other than ourselves, and tend to coincide with our little one deciding to wake us up at least 7 times the night before and then refusing to go to bed the evening we need to leave) we choose an outfit at the last minute (or don't even bother to change), we turn up late, have our phones on the table the entire time, talk too much about our children (we have literally nothing else in our repertoire) and have to leave early just as everyone else is just getting into the spirit of things because we promised the babysitter we'd be home by 11. No, the type of night out I am talking about here is the PLANNED night out. The one we've had in our diary for six months. The one for which we've not only sorted out a babysitter, but also pre-arranged childcare for the whole of the next day. The one our friends will have been warned that they can't cancel or rearrange under any circumstances. Even if they are hit by a bus. 

If you know the signs, you can't fail to notice a mum on this sort of night out. And here are a few reasons why:

1) We are there before anyone else arrives. Our little ones are either forced into bed half an hour early (and if they protest, we give them the look only reserved for occasions when we really mean business) or we've arranged for someone else to put them to bed. Either way, we are at the designated meeting place early, or bang on time. It's rare that anyone else turns up for at least another half an hour, but we really don't care. Where once we might have texted our friends incessantly and felt mildly uncomfortable sitting alone, now we just fire off one text to let them know we've arrived, and then bury our heads in the cocktail menu or wine list (or both). 

2) We are completely overdressed for the occasion. It's a bit like being 17 again, except this time we've spent a lot more money. We've spent days researching the season's latest trends on Net-a-porter and have meticulously assembled our outfit from earrings to shoes.  We were tempted to look a little bit slutty (for old time's sake) but then opted for what we hope is cool and sophisticated instead. We are wearing heels that we can hardly walk in, but we don't care because we pre-booked a taxi to drop us off right at the door. We are showing a cleavage that we lost a year and a half ago, but thanks to modern bra technology, has made an impressive comeback. Our hair was cut and highlighted yesterday and we shaved our legs this evening for the first time in...well...a while.

3) We are wearing more make-up than is probably necessary. It's the first time in a while we've worn more than a food stain on our faces, so we've really thrown caution to the wind. Possibly wearing a new lipstick in a daring shade that doesn't actually suit us. And no one needs to know that it took a whole hour and a detailed You Tube video to apply, or that we appear to have forgotten how to apply eye liner in a straight line. If we were really organised, we may even have asked the YSL lady in Boots (who always looks so glamorous and clearly doesn't have kids) to do our make-up for us. As a result, we are now the proud owner of various cosmetic items that we know we will never wear again. As well as a full set of brand new make up brushes. 

4) We have more energy than anyone else. It doesn't matter that we haven't slept in days. We are using up stores of adrenaline not previously seen since 1992. And we don't care that we probably won't get them back again for another decade. 

5) We make at least one of our friends vomit.
Forgetting that other childless folk drink on a much more regular basis, we rejoice in rewarding our rejuvenated livers by buying countless rounds of shots. Followed by jaiger bombs. Usually resulting in at least one of our friends either passing out or being violently sick. But even then, we don't let anyone go home - if needs be we resort to bribery, extreme guilt tripping or even blackmail. We even force them to get a post night out kebab. Not because we want one but because we haven't had a kebab in a very long time.

6) We insist on dancing. A lot. Better if there is a podium. The only time we look mildly out of our depth is when a song comes on that appeared in the charts some time after the birth of our first child. At that point we claim that the DJ is playing music that no one has heard of, and demand that he play something by Bon Jovi. 

And then, unfortunately, like all good nights, it must come to an end. By which point we are so drunk that we may have forgotten that we even have children. But, the next day, the friends we ruthlessly took down the night before, get their ultimate revenge. Because however well we planned to rid ourselves of our children the following day, they will always be dropped home that little bit too soon. At which point, we berate ourselves for our stupidity and resolve not to go out ever again. Or not for another six months at least - basically the time it will take to plan the next proper out.
  • Author avatar
    Amelia Slocombe
  • babiesfriendshipfunnylifemotherhoodrelationshipstruthwoman

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